My heart lives here

My heart lives here, amongst the rivers and restless winds. The hills and snowy peaks, wild flower and ancient tree. My bones rest here, in stone, and mud, and stories yet told.

Family at Celilo, 189?

Family at Celilo, 189?

I wander here in dream, and re-live the lore of old, and wake to it’s ghost, slowly fading into the calm waters of a once wild stream.

“My generation is now the door to memory. That is why I am remembering.” Joy Harjo

Many of us River People speak about still hearing those waters fall. Like a longing at the doors of our dreams. Or a remembering that we know in the beating of our hearts. Each pump a drum of longing to be home, amongst the joyful jumping of Salmon. A familiar smoke drifting from shacks holding old stories. The repeating patterns of metaphor, and the sound of Echoes of Water Against Rocks.


Watch the documentary, Echoes of Water Against Rocks, here:

hastiness of clouds.

The Cedars stand still to the brief blue sky hovering above the cliffs. The gray clouds at bay to the west. There is a quietness you learn to appreciate in the Gorge.

Sunset on Columbia River from Bridge of the Gods. 193?

Sunset on Columbia River from Bridge of the Gods. 193?

When the wind stops long enough to gather your breath. The sun dances its rays across my fish skin. Look to the Sky and take it in! For those clouds, at bay to the west, travel this Rivers path at a hasty pace.

the Wink of Americana

The air is familiar: coffee, small talk, country music and 24 hour pancakes. The land is dry like the toast of my BLT, served by a waitress

Somewhere in Oregon.

Somewhere in Oregon.

that has that distinct drall. A bit stoned from lunch break, she smiles with tobacco stained teeth and giggles at a joke she remembered from last night.

I am in the heart of a big country. Where old lava flows have made ghosts of forests and the snow peaks perk their dormant rage. I am about to find Obsidian, a mirror to protect and Knap into tools we have forgotten to use. I will be gathering in a chariot running off of dinosaurs bones. The modern age plays Willie Nelson across the diner skies.. I am from here, but know no one.. we all share the wink of Americana.

Whistling of ghosts

“The whistling of a ghost is like no other sound in a fistful of universes, because it is woven of all the whistles

"Old NP Railway"

“Old NP Railway”

the ghost has ever heard, and so it usually includes train moans, lunch whistles, fire alarms, and the affronted-virgin screaming of tea kettles.”
― Peter S. Beagle, A Fine and Private Place

View From the Garden

I have been spending time in the garden. The smell of wet pollen set against the arid Chinook breeze blowing in from the ocean.  Whispers of connection strained through the milky brown soil, sometimes I swear I feel my grandmothers hands reaching for mine. A message in dirt, and dreams the petals carry through time. There is a calm in the act of growing. A reach toward the sun runs through all living things. A mirror of blood draped in ancestral knowledge. I forgot how to fish in the new hunter/ gather paradigm, and in the quiet, a paradox is born.  I would like to think that the birds remember my name, eating the seeds freshly planted with a smirk across their grace.68693252_1597909433674041_6125972924424781824_n

My grandmother would tell stories of hunting mushrooms in forests draped in misty moss. The smell of autumnal decay squished between her words, making my hair stand on end like porcupine. You could hear twigs snap in her silent pauses, where her eyes would look up to the sky, and then slip back into tales. Tales of tall creatures made from old stories, who still roam and haunt the landscape. Tales of  little people who lived on rims of volcanoes, and haunted lakes. Ties to an old way of being intwined in the cycles of Earth. It felt safe. It felt familiar.

Right now, the world around us burns in torrent flame and indifference, and I long for the soothing caress of Grandmothers tales, but her words are now wrapped in the winds. I will sit in the garden and feel those words wrap around my worried heart, and find peace to breath long enough to remember. Yet, I tell my tales in the confines of a mechanical life, wrapped in binary sinew, my drums occupy the servers of modern living. I hate to admit that I am bitter at where time has placed me.. bitter that I have to wade through the muck of others greed and desire for destruction. But, there is no time for bitter abandonment, for the harvest is yet to be reaped.

 

Chinook – Coyote

Coyote was coming. He came to Gôt’a't. There he met a heavy surf. He was afraid that he might be drifted away and went up to the spruce trees. He stayed there a long time. Then he took some sand and threw it upon that surf: “This shall be a prairie and no surf. The future generations shall walk on this prairie.” Thus Clatsop became a prairie. The surf became a prairie.

coyoteAt Niâ’xaqcê a creek originated. He went and built a house at Niâ’xaqcê. He went out and stayed at the month of Niâ’xaqcê. Then he speared two silver-side salmon, a steel-head salmon, and a fall salmon. Then he threw the salmon and the fall salmon away, saying: “This creek is too small. I do not like to see here salmon and fall salmon. It shall be a bad omen when a fall salmon is killed here; somebody shall die; also when a salmon is killed. When a female salmon or fall salmon is killed a woman shall die; when a male is killed a man shall die.” Now he carried only the silver-side salmon to his house. When he arrived there he cut it at once, steamed it and ate it. On the next day he took his harpoon and went again to the mouth of Niâ’xaqcê. He did not see anything, and the flood tide set in. He went home. On the next day he went again and did not see anything. Then he became angry and went home. He defecated and said to his excrements: “Why have these silver-side salmon disappeared?” “Oh, you with your bandy legs, you have no sense. When the first silver-side salmon is killed it must not be cut. It must be split along its back and roasted. It must not be steamed. Only when they go up river then they may be steamed.” Coyote went home. On the next day he went again and speared three. He went home and made three spits. He roasted each salmon on a spit. He had three salmon and three spits. On the next day he went again and stood at the month of the creek. He did not see anything until the flood tide set in. Then he became angry and went home. He defecated. He spoke and asked his excrements: “Why have these silver-side salmon disappeared?” His excrements said to him: “I told you, you with your bandy legs, when the first silver-side salmon are killed spits must be made, one for the head, one for the back, one for the roe, one for the body. The gills must be burnt.” “Yes,” said

Grays River, WA.

Grays River, WA.

Coyote. On the next day he went again. He killed again three silver-side salmon. When he arrived at home he cut them all and made many spits. He roasted them all separately. The spits of the breast, body, head, back, and roe were at separate places. Coyote, roasted them. On the next morning he went again. He speared ten silver-side salmon. Coyote, was very glad. He came home and split part of the fish. The other part he left and went to sleep. On the next morning he roasted the rest. Then he went again and stood at the mouth of the river. He did not see anything before the flood tide set in. He went home. On the next morning he went again, but again he did not see anything. He went home angry. He defecated and asked his excrements: “Why have these silver-side salmon disappeared?” His excrements scolded him: “When the first silver-side salmon are killed, they are not left raw. All must be roasted. When many are caught, they must all be roasted before you go to sleep.” On the next morning Coyote went and stood at the mouth of the river. He speared ten. Then he made many double spits, and remained awake until all were roasted that he had caught. Now he had learned all that is forbidden in regard to silver-side salmon when they arrive first at Niâ’xaqcê. He remained there and said: “The Indians shall always do as I had to do. If a man who prepares corpses eats a silver-side salmon, they shall disappear at once. If a murderer eats silver-side salmon, they shall at once disappear. They shall also disappear when a girl who has just reached maturity or when a menstruating woman eats them. Even I got tired.”

Willapa Hills, WA.

Willapa Hills, WA.

Now he came this way. At some distance he met a number of women who were digging roots. He asked them: “What are you doing?” “We are digging gamass.” “How can you dig gamass at Clatsop? You shall dig [a root, species?] and thistle [?] roots in this country. No gamass will be dug here.” Now they gathered [a root, species?] and thistle [?] roots. He left these women and spoiled that land. He transformed the gamass into small onions.

Then he came to Clatsop. It was the spring of the year. Then he met his younger brother the snake. He said to him: “Let us make nets.” The snake replied: “As you wish.” Now they bought material for twine, and paid the frog and the newt to spin it. Now Coyote cleaned all the material for twine while the snake was crawling about. Then the frog and the newt spun it. Then Coyote said to his younger brother: “Clean it, clean it. You crawl about all day.” Thus he spoke to the snake. Coyote continued: “You shall make one side of the net, I make the other.” Coyote finished his twine and said to the snake: “Quick! quick! you let me wait. Make your net.” The snake replied: “You let me wait.” Thus he spoke to Coyote. Now, Coyote made his net. He finished it all. The two women made the ropes, Coyote made the net buoys; while the snake crawled about. Coyote said: “Make your net buoys; you let me wait.” Thus he said to the snake. The snake replied: “Make haste! you let me wait.” Coyote finished his net buoys. Then he went to look for stones, and the snake accompanied him. They went for stones to Tongue point. The snake crawled about among the stones, while Coyote carried them down. They went home. After they reached home Coyote went to gather spruce roots. The snake accompanied him. Coyote dug, up the ground and the snake crawled about at the same place. They went home. Coyote split the spruce roots. “Go on; work,” he spoke to the snake; “you let me wait.” The snake replied: “Quick, quick; work! you let me wait.” Now Coyote tied his net to the buoys and laid it down flat on a large mat. Then he tied it to the buoys. The snake crawled about at the same place. Coyote finished his net and hung it up outside. Early the next morning he stepped out of the house, and there hung already the net of the snake. “Oh, brother,” he said, “you got the better of me.” Coyote was ashamed. The snake had won over him. Coyote said: “When a person makes a net, he shall get tired before he finishes it. It would not be well if he would not get tired.” The snake said to him: “I told you that you would let me wait.”

Les Brown photo. ©2012

Les Brown photo. ©2012

It got day. Then they went to catch salmon in their net. They laid the net and caught two in it. Coyote jumped over the net. Now they intended to catch more salmon, but the flood-tide set in. They had caught only two before the flood-tide set in. Now they went home. Coyote said that he was hungry, and he split the salmon at once. They roasted them. When they were done they ate. The frog and the newt were their cousins. The next morning they went fishing with their net. The newt looked after the rope, the snake stood at the upper end of the net, Coyote at the lower end. They intended to catch salmon, but they did not get anything until the flood-tide set in. They went home. Coyote was angry. He defecated and spoke to his excrements: “You are a liar.” They said to him: “You with your bandy- legs. When people kill a salmon they do not jump over the net. You must not step over your net. When the first salmon are killed, they are not cut until the afternoon.” “Oh,” said Coyote, “You told me enough.” On the next morning they went fishing. When they had killed a salmon they did not jump over the net. They laid their net twice. Enough salmon were in the net. Then he ordered the newt: “Bail out the canoe, it is full of water.” She bailed it out. Then they intended to fish again, but the flood-tide set in. They went home and put down what they had caught in the house. In the afternoon Coyote split the salmon. He split them in the same way as the silver-side salmon. He placed the head, the back, the body, and the roe in separate places and on separate double spits. They were done. The next morning they went fishing. They did not kill anything. Coyote became angry and defecated. He said to his excrements: “Tell me, why have these salmon disappeared?” His excrements scolded him: “Do you think their taboo is the same as that of the silver-side salmon? It is different. When you go fishing salmon and they go into your net., you may lay it three times. No more salmon will go into it. It is enough then. Never bail out your canoe. When you come home and cut the salmon, you must split it at the sides and roast belly and back on separate double spits. Then put four sticks vertically into the ground [so that they form a square] and lay two horizontal sticks across them. On top of this frame place the back with the head and the tail attached to it.” He said to his excrements: “You told me enough.” On the next morning they went fishing and killed three salmon. They did not bail out their canoe. Then he said to the newt: “Fetch a stick from the woods. We will make a club.” She went and brought a stick. Then they laid their net again. Again a salmon was in it and he killed it with his club. They intended to continue fishing, but the flood-tide set in. They killed four only. They put down their salmon. In the afternoon Coyote cut them and put four sticks into the ground. Now he did as his excrements had told him. When they were done he broke the backbone at once. On the next morning they went fishing. They did not kill anything before the flood-tide set in. They went home. Coyote was angry and defecated. “Why have these salmon disappeared?” he asked his excrements. “I told you,” they said to Coyote; “do you think their taboo is the same as that of the silver-side salmon? It is different. When you kill a salmon you must never strike it with a stick. When they may be boiled, then you may strike them with a stick. When it is almost autumn you may strike them with a stick. Do not break a salmon’s backbone when they just begin to come. When you have killed a salmon take sand, strew it on its eye, and press it with your fist. Do not club it.” Coyote said: “You have told me enough.” On the next morning they went fishing. Salmon went into the net; three went into the net immediately. He strewed sand on each and pressed each. He killed many salmon. They went home and roasted them. When they were done he distributed them among the people of the town above Clatsop. Now they dried them. On the next morning they went fishing. They tried to fish but did not catch anything before the flood-tide set in. They went home. Coyote was angry. He defecated: “Why have these salmon disappeared?” “I told you. you lean one, with your bandy-legs. There are many taboos relating to the salmon. When you have killed many salmon you must never carry them outside the house. You must roast and eat them at the same place. When part is left they must stay it the same place. When you want to dry them you must do so when the flood-tide sets in on the day after you have caught them.” He said to them: “You have told me enough.” On the next morning they went fishing again. They killed many salmon. They roasted them all. When they were done he invited the people. The newt was sent out. They came to eat in Coyote’s house. They finished eating. Then they left there what they had not eaten. Now it was low water in the morning. They went out early to lay their net, but they did not catch anything. They fished until the flood-tide set in. They did not kill anything. They were unsuccessful. Twice they tried to go fishing early in the morning, but they were unsuccessful; they did not catch anything. Coyote defecated and said to his excrements: “Why have the salmon disappeared?” Coyote received the answer: “I told you, you lean one, that the salmon has many taboos. When you go fishing and it is ebb-tide early in the morning, you must not lay your net before sunrise. The salmon must not be carried outside until a crow takes one and carries it outside. Then it must be distributed raw. No fire must be made until daylight; the breast must not be eaten before the next day. When salmon are roasted at a tire and they are done, water must be poured into the fire.” He said to his excrements: “You have told me enough. The Indians shall always do this way. Thus shall be the taboos for all generations of Indians. Even I got tired.”

Jennie Michel, descendant of the Clatsop Tribe. Ca. 1900

Jennie Michel, descendant of the Clatsop Tribe. Ca. 1900

Thus spoke Coyote about the taboos of Clatsop. He said to his cousins: “We will move to the other side.” The newt made herself ready. Then the snake looked at the frog, who was growling. The snake reached her, struck, and killed her.

Now they arrived here on this side. They went fishing and killed salmon. He did the same way as in Clatsop. He strewed sand on the eye of that salmon. He pressed its eye. Then they intended to fish again, but they did not kill anything. They went home. On the following morning they went again fishing, but they did not kill anything On the next morning they went fishing again, but they did not kill anything. Coyote scolded. He defecated: “Why have these salmon disappeared?” “Oh, you foolish Coyote. When you kill a salmon you must kick it. Do you think it is the same here as at Clatsop?” “Oh, said Coyote. On the next morning they went fishing again. They laid their net and caught two salmon. They laid their net again and caught three salmon. He threw one ashore. It fell down head first so that the mouth struck the sand. They tried to lay their net again but they did not kill anything. They tried to fish until the flood tide set in. They had not killed anything. They had caught five only. They went home. In the evening Coyote cut the salmon and roasted them. They were done. The following morning they went fishing, but did not kill anything. Coyote scolded. He defecated: “Why have these salmon disappeared?” “Oh, you foolish Coyote. Do you think it is the same here as at Clatsop? Do not throw salmon ashore so that the head is downward. It is taboo. When you kill a salmon go and pick salmonberries. When you have caught many salmon put salmonberries into the mouth of each.” “Oh, you have told me enough,” he said to his excrements. The next morning they again went fishing. They killed many salmon. He sent the newt to pick salmonberries. The newt brought salmonberries. Now they put those berries into the mouths of those salmon. It got day and they went fishing again. They met fishermen on the water. A short distance down river they laid their net. They laid it several times and went up the river a short distance. They passed the canoes of those fishermen. They laid their net and intended to fish, but they did not kill anything. They were unsuccessful. They went home. Coyote scolded. He defecated: “Why have these salmon disappeared?” “You lean one! When yon kill a salmon, and you have laid your net at one place and you kill one more, you must lay your net at the same place. You must not pass a canoe with fishermen in it. It is taboo.” “Yes,” said Coyote. On the next day they went again fishing. Coyote said: “Even I got tired. The Indians shall always do in the same manner. Murderers, those who prepare corpses, girls who are just mature, menstruating women, widows and widowers shall not eat salmon. Thus shall be the taboos for all generations of people.”

Chinook Texts by Franz Boas. [1894] (U.S. Bureau of American Ethnology Bulletin, no 20.)

Little Crow and the Bear pt. I | A Contemporary Cowlitz Story

Introduction

An unidentified Cowlitz man picking wənàyʼx (Huckleberry).

Picking wənàyʼx (Huckleberry).

Since the beginning of time, the sƛpúlmx (Cowlitz old name) People have lived and thrived on the abundance of the land. Fishing the rivers and streams, hunting the prairies and mountains, and picking berries near Lawetlat’la. The sƛpúlmx People came from below, from below the shadows of Volcanoes, where stúqʷpéˑsaʔ (Thunderbird) would summon fire and renewal. This is a small story about a moment in time, a story of change and rebirth.

kʼéˑci skʼàˑkʼa (Little Crow)
Kʼéˑci Skʼàˑkʼa’s (Little Crow)’s Mother had a dream while he laid in her womb, of a boy that was half skʼàˑkʼa (crow), and half séˑɬmʼx (boy). In her dream, Kʼéˑci Skʼàˑkʼa was a storyteller, always telling stories, and talking from his beak. The dreams kept happening while he was growing inside her. She would dream about Kʼéˑci Skʼàˑkʼa learning to fish and hunt, and gather and nurture. She knew he would be a strong spirit, and good to the People. Her last dream, on the night that Kʼéˑci Skʼàˑkʼa was to be born, she dreamt of fire and explosions.

Cowlitz cradle board. Artist: Paul Kane

Cowlitz cradle board. Artist: Paul Kane

Kʼéˑci Skʼàˑkʼa spent the first days of his life in his cakʷiIiɬtnʼ (cradle board), watching his relatives fish, dig for roots, picking berries and singing songs. He watched with a careful eye, taking his world in and listening to the stories. He began talking earlier than most of the others. Words would flow from his lips effortlessly, as if he was born to speak.

One Day, the summer sun reigned down on Kʼéˑci Skʼàˑkʼa and stànawi (his mother),his body still strapped to the cakʷiIiɬtnʼ, bobbing to and fro to the rhythm of work songs, as stànaw picked wənàyʼx (huckleberry). Kʼéˑci Skʼàˑkʼa looked up and saw a big sČə̀txʷnʼ (bear) standing on its hind legs.

“Why, hello sČə̀txʷnʼ, how are the wənàyʼx?” Kʼéˑci Skʼàˑkʼa asked.

The sČə̀txʷnʼ looks at Kʼéˑci Skʼàˑkʼa with a look of bewilderment and curiosity, and then replies.

“Goodness child, you are the first to talk to us since you sxamʼálaxʷ (People) forgot your names? And what is your name my child?”

”Kʼéˑci Skʼàˑkʼa!”

The Cowlitz Nation

The Cowlitz Nation

The child snaps, startling stànawi, bringing her a grin across her ageless face. The sČə̀txʷnʼ, startled as well, ducks behind a wənàyʼx bush, and then peeps up to make eye contact with the child again, and softly whispers,

“Quiet now my child, we need not startle the other sxamʼálaxʷ, for they do not understand our ways of seeing. I must go now, but when you are older, we shall meet again.”

As the sČə̀txʷnʼ turned to walk away, the boy whispers,

“see you later old friend.”

Many moons passed and Kʼéˑci Skʼàˑkʼa was growing into a strong capable man, but many did not want to hunt with him, because he would talk all the time about the animals, and the stories they held. His uncles would snap,

“Kʼéˑci Skʼàˑkʼa, if you hunted as much as you talked, none of us would ever have a lean winter!”

Despite all this, many saw great things in the boy, and the elders would teach him good stories. Stories of nəkʼálʼus (Coyote) and how he brought the cʼáwɬ (Chinook Salmon) to feed the sxamʼálaxʷ. Stories of the wah-tee-tas (the little people) and Skookum. Stories on how stúqʷpéˑsaʔ (Thunderbird) made the Volcanoes, and how they take long sleeps in their craters. While Kʼéˑci Skʼàˑkʼa listened, he would daydream of all the things that use to be, and all the things that were to come.

To be continued…

(Author’s note: This is a story that came to me in a dream awhile ago. I decided to write it out and share. I am currently (2018) going to school at the Northwest Indian College, Nisqually campus, studying for my MFA (Masters of Fine Arts). I am in a class called “Language of the Ancestors”, I wrote this as a paper using the Cowlitz language as much as possible. I currently do not know how to speak these words, but I am learning, and one day hope to share this story orally, pronunciation and all.)

© All Rights Reserved | Justin “Si’Matta | Gathering the Stories | Reproduction or distribution to the public requires express written permission of the author.

These Mountains Have Teeth

These mountains have teeth, talking in ash and earthquake, and then silent. Lore spews forth from their huckleberry fields, seasonal rounds of medicines and comfort. Grandmothers teach old ways, the basket and weaver of stories. I feel the tinge of spirit run my spine like porcupine, goosebumps raised

Cowlitz cradle board. Artist: Paul Kane

Cowlitz cradle board. Artist: Paul Kane

with the visions of Wah-Tee-Tahs, small in the mirror of the winds. Skookums, in shadow, wait to raise the child to elder. On the banks, waiting for Salmon, Coyote plays a silly game, and gives life back to the hungry, and the lost.

My Grandmother – Some Stories – By Marsha J. Williams

Up to the age of twenty-five my grandmother thought her name was Abbie L. Weiser. Then she met her father and found out her name was really Lucy Gerand, which at least explained the middle initial. He had chosen that name after his own, Louis Gerand, but she had no way of knowing that.

Abbie Lucy Weiser Gerand Reynolds Estabrook

Abbie Lucy Weiser Gerand Reynolds Estabrook

(Weiser was the name of Louis’s step-father so maybe he carried that last name at times; for sure his mother did.) Louis left the Columbia River Gorge area two years after his daughter’s birth which was at Mars Landing (Skamania) in February 1887, when Washington was still a territory.

Abbie’s mother was Mary Stooquin, a Cascade Indian living along the Columbia River in southern Washington. She was also known by the Indian name Kalliah. Mary was born about 1854, the daughter of one of the Cascade headmen, Tumulth (also known as Tomalch or Tomalt, among other spellings) and one of his several wives, Kisanua/“Susan.” As a child Mary would have been known as Mary Tumulth or Tomalch. Mary remembered her father’s hanging two years after her birth by the rising young Cavalry officer, Phil Sheridan, for participation in the 1856 Indian uprising at the Cascades, a major portage site on the Columbia. The family story is that Tumulth was not at the Cascades before the attack but came up from his winter village downriver to try to negotiate between the parties. Sheridan did not give him a chance to intervene.

Louis Gerand was half French and half Cowlitz Indian born at Ft. Vancouver in 1848. His father was likely a fur company employee and his mother was

Grandma Kalliah and Abbie.

Grandma Kalliah and Abbie.

the Cowlitz woman known as Skloutwout. Louis had an allotment on the Warm Springs Reservation in central Oregon where many Indians from the south side of the Columbia had been consolidated. While he was not from that area, allotments were given to a broader group of Indians to justify a larger-sized reservation. The short-term liaison between Louis and Mary was not uncommon in those days when the lives of the Natives had been so disrupted. In fact, he had another wife at the time, Eliza, who was at Warm Springs. Louis and Eliza had no surviving children, making Abbie his only heir. Abbie’s paternity was the subject of a successful lawsuit a few years after his death that allowed her to inherit her father’s reservation land.

Mary herself had a number of husbands and is, therefore, known by various names as an adult: Mary Stooquin, Mary Weiser, Mary Wilwy-itit, Mary Henry. Actually, Wilwy-itit and Henry were one person, Henry Wilwy-itit, probably a Wishram Indian. Once an official asked Mary her husband’s name and she replied, “Henry.” So he wrote down “Mary Henry” not knowing that was but a first name. Her obituary lists her name as “Mary Weiser.” Within our family, we refer to her as Mary Stooquin, wife of Johnny Stooquin, since that’s the name our mother Kathleen used for her grandmother.

Though an Indian, my grandmother Abbie was raised mostly among white people and taught their ways as the Cascade community had largely disappeared. The tribe suffered tremendously in the disease epidemics of the 19th century, not to mention the loss of lives in the 1856 uprising known as the “Cascades Massacre.” As a consequence of that fight Sheridan hanged eight other Native men along with Tumulth. A number of men of the tribe did escape with the Yakamas and Klickitats who had stirred up the trouble and over time some families settled on the Yakama, Warm Springs and Grand Ronde reservations.

The Cascade Indians who remained in their homeland to try to maintain their ties to the area had little choice but to assume a life on the fringes of white society, especially those just growing up as were Mary and her sisters. All three of them took husbands who, if not all white, were of mixed blood because there were almost no Native males available as spouses.

image3Mary Stooquin gained some standing among the whites as evidenced by her being awarded a government contract as a carrier for mail brought by boat from Portland to Cascades, the old county seat. Not only that, but she received a special 160-acre grant of land in trust from the federal government in 1893 in the Skamania area for acreage she had been living on for many years. This land grant may have been in connection with a negotiation between the remaining Cascade Indians and the government in 1892 over loss of territory and fishing rights. Mary was a party to that unsuccessful petition.

One of the things that association with whites taught was the value of education. Mary saw to it that her girls, Amanda and Abbie, went to school as long as they could, even if it meant rowing across the Columbia River to reach the schoolhouse. The story is that Abbie loved school. She went all the way through elementary and when she got to eighth grade, repeated it three times. The teacher finally told Abbie that she had already learned everything the teacher had to offer. Although not a result of school learning, Abbie would be considered tri-lingual by modern standards as she spoke English, Kiksht (the difficult native language of the mid-Columbia area) and Chinook jargon (the trade language used among tribes and whites throughout the Pacific Northwest, British Columbia and Alaska). Abbie always had a love for reading, in later years subscribing to both the Portland and Stevenson newspapers and numerous national magazines of the day such as Life, Good Housekeeping and True Story. Frank Estabrook, her second husband, was illiterate. For him she ordered Popular Mechanics so he could study the photos and get ideas for his projects.

image4When Abbie and her older half-sister Amanda were grown, they, too, married white men. Abbie’s husband was Morris Reynolds, a Danish American, whom she met while he was working on the railroad. He was handsome and charming but turned out not to be one to provide a consistent living for his wife and children. He preferred the city life in Portland and spent a lot of time there drinking and gambling with his brother. Abbie was attractive to him because she was wealthy in a way—she had some horses and half of the 160 acres she and her sister had inherited from her mother. Morris spent his money and then borrowed from his mother. Eventually Abbie’s portion of the land that had been Mary Stooquin’s at Skamania passed into the hands of Morris’s mother in repayment of his debts to her.

It’s plain that the marriage between Abbie and Morris was passionate but tumultuous. There were times when she kept a shotgun and would not let Morris into the house. Other times she threatened to take her life with a knife and Morris had to wrestle it away from her on the floor. The rugged life of a logging camp in itself did not improve matters.

Of the eight children Abbie bore between 1908 and 1920, only five survived infancy. In that era many babies succumbed to influenza and pneumonia. Her surviving children were Charles Raymond known as “Ray” (born 1908), Mary (1910), Lucille (1913) and Kathleen (1914), my mother. Son Johnny (1920) drowned in the Little White Salmon River when he was 12 years old. Two of the girls had Indian names which may have been given to them by Abbie’s aunt Virginia Miller. Lucille’s was Kwaiak, a name also associated with Virginia. Kathleen’s was Chaiminigh whose meaning we don’t know. (Note that these are phonetic spellings so might vary if seen elsewhere.)

image6About 1919 it did finally appear that Morris was ready to settle down. Abbie’s Native enrollment was with the Yakama Tribe so the family went to Toppenish where Abbie had relatives. They set out to run a hotel. Things were fine until Morris sent for his mother to come help. She tried to get Abbie to change only one of the sheets on a bed at a time. But the customers didn’t like that, so the hotel venture lasted only another two weeks. The family moved back to Cascades and in a few months Morris went to Warm Springs to build a house on the property that Abbie inherited from her father. The house was nearly complete and he was about to send for the family when he took sick, returned home and quickly died. Morris was only thirty-four years old. Abbie always thought he had been poisoned, possibly by his half-sister who felt she had a right to the property. An alternative theory is that he contracted Rocky Mountain spotted fever from a tick bite. One memento that Abbie kept of the connection to the Warm Springs Reservation was a juniper tree in the front yard of her Stevenson home. The tree still stands on that property. It was probably brought from Warm Springs as a seedling long ago, a dryland evergreen planted into one of the rainiest counties in Washington.

Morris’s passing didn’t make much material difference in the family’s way of life; they were scarcely poorer than they had always been. There was no welfare in those days and only occasional charity in a community where almost everyone lived on very little. Abbie wouldn’t have taken help anyway; she was too proud. She earned a little money by doing laundry for the mill crew. When her son Ray was old enough, he provided fish, deer and small game for the table. He was reputed to be adept at grabbing salmon out of the commercial fish wheels on the Columbia, quite a chancy undertaking. From time to time relatives would send boxes of cast-off clothes for the family to mend and wear. Although these pieces were old, the girls washed and ironed them to keep them fresh. Likely they had two sets of school clothes—one to wear and one to wash.

image5Abbie and her children survived, living in a shack in the woods just north of the town of Cascades (now North Bonneville) near Greenleaf Slough. Pans on the floor caught the rain where the roof leaked. Although they had not known who the owner was when they moved into the house, he turned out to be Mr. Porter of Portland whose family owned a well-known pasta factory. He occasionally came by the cabin as he went fishing, bringing them items from his business or sending other groceries up by train. Generally, they ate a lot of beans and the dozens of quarts of various wild berries they picked and canned throughout the summers. One afternoon the whole family—mother and five children—was in the woods gathering blackberries. Some white people came along and, delighted at seeing this “squaw” and her little brown brood wearing their Indian baskets and pails, inquired Tonto-style, “You catch ‘em berries?” to which Abbie replied in crisp, perfect English, “Yes, we’re picking berries.”

image7For a very long time, being Indian was not a good thing. Though raised in the white ways, it was impossible for Abbie and her children to escape their brown skin and racial discrimination. At school the other kids jeered “siwash” and laughed at their hand-me-down clothes and funny, old-fashioned shoes. Still, Abbie was a strong and self-sufficient woman determined to maintain her pride and self-respect. As an example, when it was near time for my mother, Kathleen, to be born Abbie took the scissors and string to bed with her every night—she could deliver that child herself; she didn’t want any white midwife fussing with her.

Abbie’s pride could make her seem tough and hard; she was never a “kindly old lady.” But that toughness was mostly a veneer to distance people she didn’t want to like, i.e., anyone not considered a relative carried a degree of mistrust for her. Specifically, that meant whites, whom she called by the Chinook jargon term “Bostons” (pronounced Bosh-tons with a slur in the middle that made it sound all the more derisive). She disliked her grandchildren playing with the white neighbor kids and tried to prevent it. When Abbie was older, a lady living up the street attempted to befriend her and get Abbie to teach her to crochet. When Abbie couldn’t stand it any longer, she told the lady to get out of the house and not come back again; she wanted her privacy.

image9Abbie didn’t really like her children’s white friends nor her daughters’ white husbands although she was always good and generous to them and their families. Yet that layer of toughness did sometimes present itself to her own children. None of Abbie’s three daughters merely grew up and left home; they were all kicked out because she was disgruntled with them for one reason or another. Probably at the base of it was maternal possessiveness or a kind of jealousy. As my mother and father went to get married in 1935 they stopped at Abbie’s house and asked her to go along to their ceremony, but Abbie refused. She knew she would cry at her daughter’s wedding and didn’t want anyone to see that.

Grandma Abbie in 1961 at grand daughter Sharleen's wedding in Seattle.

Grandma Abbie in 1961 at grand daughter Sharleen’s wedding in Seattle.

This is not to say that Grandma Abbie was not giving. Although she was not at all religious, she bought a beautiful Bible from a door-to-door book salesman and gave it to my sister Juanita for her high school graduation. My first bank account was opened with pennies that Grandma Abbie saved for me in brown glass vitamin jars. Christmases brought dolls, miniature tea sets or other toys. While my mom was quite adept at sewing our clothes, I recall Grandma Abbie giving me two nice, store-bought dresses for my birthday when I was junior high age. Once Grandma Abbie and her second husband, Frank Estabrook, took one of my older sisters to the huckleberry fields with them. When they brought Sharleen back home Grandma Abbie told her to keep the berries she had picked. Sharleen said No, she’d picked them for Grandma. Abbie began to cry because a generous offer had been turned down. And she continued to cry until Sharleen agreed to keep the berries.

Abbie did not marry her second husband, Frank Estabrook, until her children were teenagers or older. Frank was half Indian, i.e., Native on his mother’s side and white on his father’s. We know little about his family but he was a man whom, my mother Kathleen said, she had always known as he lived in the area. Abbie’s and Frank’s marriage surprised the family, partly because Frank was twelve years older than Abbie so her daughters thought of him as an “old man.” However, Frank was a blacksmith and carpenter with a good job at Broughton Lumber Company sawmill in Willard, which provided company housing. During the hard times of the 1930s and World War II Frank always had work and so he and Abbie were comparatively prosperous.

image11While living mainly as the majority population did, Abbie and Frank were enrolled members of the Yakama Indian Tribe and attended tribal meetings in Toppenish each year which lasted several days. Some of the Native foods served at those meetings and other “Indian doings” in communities east of them like Rock Creek, Warm Springs and Toppenish were not to Grandma Abbie’s liking. While the salmon, elk and venison were fine, she had not been raised on the bland roots like camas and wapato that were served so she might bring her own food. That also let her know that it was properly prepared. In addition, she did not like the custom in some places of sitting on mats on the floor, perhaps because her bad hips made getting up and down difficult.

Frank and Abbie carried on some traditionally Native activities like fishing in the Columbia for salmon, steelhead and sturgeon, all of which they canned or smoked for consumption throughout the year. Frank had built his own smokehouse in their backyard. They picked wild berries locally and on extended trips to the huckleberry fields near Mt. Adams where harvesting in a specified area is reserved for Indian people. For those trips they would take a big tent, woodstove and all the equipment to stay for up to two weeks and to can the berries right in the field. Various of their grandchildren accompanied them on these trips and recall the fun of it. Whenever we went to Grandma Abbie’s and Frank’s house for Sunday dinner, we could count on eating some kind of fish (“fish” was the word for all salmon and steelhead regardless of the sub-species) baked in the oven or sturgeon steaks fried atop the cast iron woodstove, “real” butter on our bread, and home-canned fruit or berries for dessert. No youngster went to their home without dipping into the covered candy jar kept for just such visitors and looking at, but not touching, the molded model horses standing on the living room window sill.

Abbie Estabrook & daughter Kathleen Reynolds, 1932

Abbie Estabrook & daughter Kathleen Reynolds, 1932

Just as her first marriage was not totally satisfactory for Abbie, neither was the second. Frank was hard-of-hearing (maybe he became hard-of-hearing) and so did not always pay attention to what Abbie wanted done or how she wanted it done. He had his own ideas, for instance, growing tired of Abbie’s son Ray living with them throughout adulthood. Finally, Frank just tore off the second story of the house where Ray slept and lowered the roof. Ray had no choice but to move into a tiny trailer in the backyard! On the other hand, Frank used his considerable carpentry skills to generously construct beautiful cedar chests with carved and stained panels on the front for my mother Kathleen and older sisters. Frank raised a big vegetable and berry garden as long as he was able to and Grandma cultivated flowers. When she could no longer get outdoors to tend them, she still had colorful begonias and cactuses lining the sill of the south-facing windows of her large kitchen.

Abbie was born with a congenital hip defect that caused her to limp always and finally to use a cane or crutch. She was further crippled in her old age with arthritis and Frank suffered a broken hip which slowed down his very active life. Nevertheless, by the time Abbie was about seventy-five and Frank in his eighties she had become so exasperated with him that she began sleeping on the front porch of their home in Stevenson. When the winter snow started falling and blowing onto her bed, he finally gave in and enclosed the porch with walls. And there she slept, summer and winter, rain and snow until she was beyond caring for herself.

image12As Grandma Abbie became more ill, my mother and her sister Lucille went frequently to the house to care for her. They urged her to let them take her to the doctor but she refused, and they were trained not to cross her. When my oldest sister Juanita and her young family from Seattle stopped by, my brother-in-law took charge and called the ambulance. As the ambulance arrived, Grandma Abbie instructed, “You can have them back right up here by the front door.” Maybe she had to be stubborn with her daughters but knew the wisdom of the man’s direction.

Grandma Abbie was unable to return home after that trip to the hospital, so went to a nursing home. Needless to say, she hated the facility. The people there thought they could make things more pleasant for her by putting her in a room with another elderly Indian woman—“They could talk to each other in Indian.” But it turned out that Grandma Abbie and that woman didn’t speak the same language as they were from separate areas along the Columbia River. Furthermore, Grandma Abbie didn’t think that lady very clean nor was she of the same Native social class, so Abbie didn’t want to associate with her. Neither did Grandma Abbie take to the other roommates – sweet little old lady types – she was given.

After about a year Frank joined her in the nursing home. They lived another two years, Abbie asking continually that they be allowed to go home, saying that Frank could take care of her and she could walk again if given a chance to build up her strength.

image13Grandma Abbie and Frank died just three months apart in 1968. She was 81 and he was 93 years old. They were laid to rest in the Cascade Indian & Pioneer Cemetery near North Bonneville, Washington, where each of their spouses and children who had preceded them in death was buried. That cemetery contains my parents, grandparents, great grandmother, and great-great grandmother plus aunts and uncles and cousins uncounted. It also features a mass grave for Indian remains removed from Bradford Island in the middle of the Columbia during the construction of nearby Bonneville Dam in the early 1930s. The monument for the group burial reads in Chinook jargon, “Ankutty tillikum musem” which translates, “[Here] the long-ago people sleep.” When we go to the cemetery on Memorial Day to carry on the 100-year plus tradition of decorating the family graves, we are always careful to avoid stepping directly on them. They are so old that, as my mother Kathleen taught us, they could sink in under our weight and we would be swallowed up.

image14Before Grandma Abbie’s passing, she entrusted my mother with her collection of Klickitat-style baskets that were then displayed in our home. One of the baskets had been purchased by Abbie from an old Indian woman for my mother Kathleen when she was five years old. It is one of those unadorned but beautiful tightly woven spruce root and cedar bark baskets with the loops on the top that you wear tied around your waist when you pick berries, which we did. Those baskets as well as the stories I relate here helped me grow up feeling surrounded by my Indian heritage. Our family has donated the basket collection to the Skamania County Interpretive Center so it can be enjoyed by all of Abbie’s descendants and the community at large.

For her grandchildren and great grandchildren, part of the legacy from our Grandma Abbie is the Native heritage which has allowed us membership in the Yakama or Cowlitz Tribes. The Cascade tribe of Mary Stooquin was subsumed under the Yakama tribal umbrella and so Abbie and her children enrolled there. Soon after my three older siblings (Juanita, Robert and Sharleen) were born, the family moved to Goldendale which was in the original Yakama territory, so those three children were able to enroll at Yakama. Their cousins who lived near Stevenson were outside that territory so could not enroll at Yakama. When I and my twin sisters (Leslie and Linda) were born, the Yakama Tribe did not extend enrollment to us, either. However, in the early 1970s the Cowlitz Tribe entered into the federal acknowledgement process and we realized that our connection to Louis Gerand would allow us to enroll with the Cowlitz. We did so and many of us and our cousins who are also descended from Abbie became and remain active in the Cowlitz Tribe, including in leadership roles. When we joined the Cowlitz we discovered a whole new world of cousins from that side of the family that had been unknown to us due to Louis Gerand’s absence from most of Grandma Abbie’s life. This may sound convoluted, but Indians have complicated family stories like that—it just comes with the territory.

Abbie's daughters: Mary Miller, Kathleen Williams, Lucille Aalvik at the Tumulth reunion, circa 1976

Abbie’s daughters: Mary Miller, Kathleen Williams, Lucille Aalvik at the Tumulth reunion, circa 1976

Shortly after Grandma Abbie’s passing, my mother Kathleen founded an annual reunion of the descendants of Chief Tumulth at Beacon Rock State Park in the Columbia Gorge. She said that if we didn’t start getting together, her kids would lose track of their cousins. That gathering has persisted since 1970 and has fulfilled every wish Kathleen had, bringing together people with this common Cascade Indian heritage whether they are enrolled at Yakama, Cowlitz, Grand Ronde or Warm Springs. Whereas on our white side we scarcely know anyone past our first cousins, on the Indian side there are people who might be our fourth or fifth cousins, but they are just as dear to us as those who are more closely tied. There is a deep and special bond we carry from our ancestors, shared and unique to our heritage.

[This paper was originally written in 1972 as a college assignment by Marsha Williams, daughter of Kathleen Williams, who was the youngest daughter of Abbie Weiser/Reynolds/Estabrook. It was revised in 2018 with input from all of Kathleen’s children, her sister Lucille Aalvik’s surviving children and her sister Mary Miller’s grandchildren. I am grateful for everyone’s memories and assistance.]

Copyright © Marsha J. Williams, 2018. Reproduction or distribution to the public requires express written permission of the author

A Journey

The first thing I saw was Crow. It was almost as if I was looking through a camera, and Crow put his face right up to the lens. He put his eyeball up to the lens, and then his beak, then his whole face, and then he vanished.
The next thing I saw was an enormous, gorgeous, perfect rose, free floating in mid-air. It was very dark pink, almost red, and then it became a lush, deep, dark red. It had petals like a peony, but it was a rose. The rose became larger and larger, and as it grew, it opened to reveal a velvety center of infinite petals.

I was on the edge of a forest. Eagle appeared, in a fierce emanation. I got onto his back.

Thunderbird Petroglyph, Horse thief lake, OR.

Thunderbird Petroglyph, Horse thief lake, OR.


Then he and I climbed into the rose and were immediately transported up into the sky on a strong current of wind. Raccoon came running up behind us, and at the last minute grabbed onto the rose and came flying with us. Crow flew up beside us and flew along, by our side. As we climbed high into the sky, I looked down and saw two dead animals at the forest’s edge; a doe and a kit fox. I could see smoke coming from the treetops and I realized there must be a forest fire. It appeared that the doe and the kit fox had possibly died of smoke inhalation.
We were scaling a mountainside. There was a cliff jutting out, way above us. It was above the cloud line. We went through the layer of clouds, very swiftly, and landed on the edge of the cliff. Grandmother Rose was there. She had been waiting for us. There was also a leathery old medicine man. He was half man and half crow, and he called himself Crow Dancer. He had a man’s head and was wearing a crow feather hood with a crow beak. He had crow wings, and he wore a fringed elk hide robe. Rose had been preparing for this retrieval.
First, she pulled out a wonderful medicine blanket that she made for as a gift. It was very long, and when she unfurled it, the length of it tumbled over the cliff for many yards. As she began to gather it back up into a neat roll, she smiled lovingly. She had spent many moons making this blanket, and each stitch contained a prayer. This blanket had very powerful protective medicine. She placed the rolled-up medicine blanket into the saddlebag on the Eagle. Then she handed me a magic compass. The compass was made entirely of quartz crystal. She showed me precisely how to use it for navigation. The face of the compass was completely blank, empty of all markings. It had a clear crystal face, with a quartz crystal needle. The compass would guide us on our journey. Finally, she handed me a key, carved out of jade. I placed the key in my medicine pouch. Crow Dancer danced around and flapped his wings and stomped his feet and made a blessing for the journey, and we were off again.
As soon as we started flying, we were joined by a magnificent phoenix. It came swooping from around the back of the mountain, began flying beside us, and then quickly pulled out in front of us and began to lead the way. We flew downward now, like bullets, and plunged into the ocean with incredible force and speed. We went down down down to the very bottom of the ocean and came to the mouth of a cave.

Paul Kane painting of Loowit (Mt. St. Helens), which was a symbol of rebirth to the Cowlitz People.

Paul Kane painting of Loowit (Mt. St. Helens), which was a symbol of rebirth to the Cowlitz People.

The cave was guarded by a blue dragon. The phoenix approached the dragon and requested permission to enter the cave. The dragon asked the phoenix what business he had in the cave, and the phoenix replied that he had come to “get his boy.” The dragon gave him three challenges. He challenged him to a game of chinese checkers. The phoenix won. He challenged him to a fire breathing contest. The phoenix won. And finally, he asked the phoenix to guess his name. The phoenix went up to the dragon and whispered something in the dragon’s ear. The dragon looked at him, utterly astonished, and granted entry. The dragon breathed fire up into the ceiling above the entry of the cave, and a trap door opened. We all went in. We found ourselves in a very narrow, tight tunnel. It was so narrow and tight that we barely had room to move. The only way was for us to make ourselves smaller and to keep moving, otherwise we would get stuck. I couldn’t see a thing. There were so many twists and turns that it made me dizzy. I remembered the magic compass. As soon as I pulled it out of my medicine pouch, the needle on the compass began to glow and pulse. The needle quivered for a moment and then pointed very strongly in a particular direction, which we followed. After that we were fine. We just followed the glowing compass needle through the labyrinthine tunnels and eventually came out into a part of the cave that had a large central clearing. There were several openings and cave mouths all along the perimeter. However, the compass showed us precisely where to go. We followed it’s guidance to one particular little cave entrance, with its door locked up tight. I took out the jade key and placed it in the lock. It fit perfectly, and with one turn of the key, the door flew open and there we found a little boy. He was curled up in a corner, lying on his left side, with his arms around his knees, huddled up against the cold, wet corner of the cave. He had his face to the corner of the cave and his back to us, and even though he heard us come in, it took a long time for him to stir.

Crow teachers. Public domain photo

Crow teachers. Public domain photo

He looked to be around seven years old. He had long dark hair, and he looked terribly sad. His eyes were large and melancholy and he would not make eye contact. Crow went up to him to try to make eye contact. Then he hopped up onto the boy’s left shoulder and told him that we were here to take him home, if he would like to come with us. The boy just sat there as if he hadn’t heard a word. Crow asked the boy if he liked it there, in the cave. The boy shook his head slowly. “No, not really.” said the boy. “Would you like to come home?” asked Crow. “I don’t know.” Crow explained to the boy that things were different now, and that he would be safe. He told the boy that he had been missed and that he was loved, and that he would be welcomed back home with open arms. The boy indicated that he would like to come with us. I reached into the saddlebag for the medicine blanket, and wrapped it around the boy. He knew who had made it. I didn’t have to say a word. Now, when I looked at his face, he looked older, closer to maybe eleven years old or so. After this, his face would change, and his features would become those of a younger boy, then an older boy. But he was always somewhere between seven and eleven years old.

Crow stayed on his left shoulder. Phoenix stepped forward so the boy could climb onto his back. I followed with Eagle and we quickly exited the dank cave. As we left, Phoenix dropped a colorful tail feather, as an offering to Dragon, and Dragon picked it up and waved. We shot back up through the ocean, just as we had shot down, and we found ourselves back at the cliff. Grandmother Rose was there. Crow Dancer was there. Grandmother Rose embraced the boy for a long time. She pulled him onto her lap and rocked him and kissed him and hummed to him. She pulled the medicine blanket snugly around him and sighed. Crow Dancer placed a breastplate of porcupine quills on the boy and gave him his elk skin robe. Grandmother Rose took the boy’s long hair and divided it into three sections. She made three braids, and then braided those three braids into a single braid. She talked about the power of three, that three was the number to keep in mind. Crow Dancer placed three big shiny black crow feathers in the boy’s hair. Phoenix placed more feathers in the boy’s hair, magnificent feathers of brilliant hues; red, orange, yellow, violet, blue, green…He gave the boy a walking stick on which was carved: “NOW IS THE MOMENT OF POWER.” Grandmother Rose told the boy that it was important to forget the past, and to not worry about the future. “Life is short,” she said. “All we have is this moment.” Spider made an appearance and wove a cloak of scintillating light around the boy. It sparkled and shined with a pure radiance. She said that all he ever needed to do, if he ever got scared, was to ask Spider for a cloak of light, and she would weave something up for him. He will always have access to protection. All he has to do is ask.

Mesa near Taos, NM.  H a v e n © 2016

Mesa near Taos, NM.
H a v e n © 2016

There were embraces and acknowledgements and blessings, and then it was time to say goodbye. We climbed down a ladder made of rainbow light and came to an open, grassy field. It was just outside the same edge of forest from which our journey had begun. Many animals began to appear and quickly disappear; Raccoon, Red Tailed Hawk, Bighorn Sheep, Unicorn, Coyote. As we landed on the grassy field, we joined a fire ceremony that was being held in the boy’s honor. The boy stood at the fire, wearing a white mask. Raccoon came up to him and took off the boy’s mask and tossed it into the fire, where it was consumed. There was another mask underneath. Again, Raccoon took off the mask and tossed it into the fire. This went on and on, mask after mask. The first masks were completely opaque, but as they continued to be peeled away they became more transparent. I could see through the final mask, and I saw that the boy was weeping. Raccoon stood there and looked at the boy with great compassion. Raccoon was not going to take off the final mask. The boy wept for a long time at the fire. Finally, he reached up and slowly removed the final mask, and placed it quietly into the flames. The boy’s face softened and he stopped crying. Everyone laughed and cheered and came over and embraced the boy. He was glad to be home.